Joy and Pain

"Joy and Pain is like sunshine and rain." -Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock

I miss my friend. 

About two months ago, I received a series of phone calls on a Saturday morning informing me that my friend had died. 

She didn't just die...she took her own life.

Although she is not the first person in personal life to die by suicide, her death might have been the most shocking to me. Why? Because of who *I* knew her to be...SHE would NEVER do THAT.

Who was she? She was - so many things.

A proud Black woman. A patient introvert. A brilliant clinical psychologist. A talented artist. A devoted dog mom. A newly published author. A hustling entrepreneur. A dedicated adult child carer for her mother. A spouse of over 20 years. A stepmother to grown kids. A clever blogger. An eclectic music lover. A fierce friend. A troublemaker making "good trouble." 

A stressed spouse who worried about the future of her relationship. A frustrated employee who felt constrained at work. A defiant writer, who continued to share her authentic self despite others voicing concerns for her safety. A conscientious citizen, concerned about the Presidential election and what it could mean for the country. A giving clinician who worked hard to provide clients with up-to-date focused clinical information. A concerned puppy parent, whose baby was having medical issues. A worried daughter, who carefully watching aspects of her mother’s health. A fervent champion for diversity, watching a lot of what she spent her professional career working towards be rejected and mocked by professional institutions and politicians.

"Peace. You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody."

- Maya Angelou

And, she was one of the loudest voices cheering me on after I left my "good gov't job" and to strike out on my own. 

And, she was someone I communicated with DAILY either via text or phone call, who always asked about my family, my health, and my mindset regardless of what was on her mind. 

And, she was that one person that you can tell anything, because you know for a fact that it would never be spoken by her lips to another.

And, she was someone who loved music as much as I do and used lyrics to express herself whenever possible.

And, she was an incredible role model for me, an extrovert, to learn how to deeply engage with introverts on personal and professional levels.

And, she was someone who was incredibly private, yet unapologetically shared so much of herself in her writing, art, and creative endeavors.

And, she was my friend. As a result, I am absolutely a better version of me.

SAMHSA Suicide Prevent Month Campaign banner

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. World Suicide Prevention Day on 10 September. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts related to suicide, please use any of the suicide prevention tools or programs to obtain support.

2024 -2026 World Suicide Prevention Day Campaign banner

Suicide is a preventable public health issue. It affects every race, nationality, religion, age, gender, socioeconomic status, and so on; although, not equally. Together, we can reduce stigma and shame around this topic to support those struggling with suicidal thoughts/actions, uplift the survivors of suicide, and collectively Experience Better.

Lazy Sundays

My husband and I met when we were living and working in Australia. He was active duty Navy and I was working as a psychologist supporting the Servicemembers stationed there. From 12 hour rotating shift schedules (him) to seeing nearly every diagnosis in the DSM-IV (me), we both worked and played very hard. We traveled all over that side of the world, co-hosted a still notorious Superheroes & Supervillains costume themed birthday party, and played rugby, footy, and cricket, as you do, Mate.

An absolutely phenomenal three years, with experiences I'll likely never have again. And yet, one simple tradition we had remains my favorite - Lazy Sunday.

We literally did nothing on Lazy Sundays, for the entire day. 

No cooking. Get take-away. 

No cleaning. It can wait. 

No laundry. There's something I can wear again that smells clean enough.  

Pearl living her best Lazy Sunday life.

On a Lazy Sunday, productivity was measured by getting out of bed to put on comfy clothes and moving to the couch; exercise was picking up the remote to find another game/match/race to watch; and motivation was measured by how much you REALLY needed to get up from your perch.

Although we left Australia nearly 10 years ago, this tradition is still one that we cherish. My husband now works as a government contractor. I'm an entrepreneur with a fledgling company. Since that time, we've added one human baby and two fur babies. We live in the Washington DC metropolitan area, with all of the hustle & bustle you're imagining. We definitely need Lazy Sundays.

Actually, EVERYONE needs to have a version of Lazy Sunday.

A time to give yourself permission to do nothing and fully enjoy it. If taking the whole day off feels daunting, set an intention to take a few hours off and fully enjoy that time. And, if you need it for accountability, tell someone that you're intentionally being lazy and ask them to ask you about your experience. Or, tell me about your Lazy Sunday Experience. They haven’t been a frequent as I’d like, but my Lazy Sundays have been exquisite...as a matter of fact, I've got a Phillies game that I need to get back to…

The Voice of Experience

I’ve been teaching guided imagery and visualization techniques to client for YEARS. Over the years, I’ve gotten extremely positive feedback on the calming quality of my voice and have had clients ask me to record scripts for them. Until recently, I didn’t seriously consider recording scripts as something that I could offer to clients.

About a month ago, now, I was working with a client on a guided imagery exercise. After the exercise, she told me that I had “the voice of a god” and she encouraged me to start recording scripts for clients. Within that same week, I had three other clients remark on my voice and tell me that I needed to record scripts for people. The following week, I received the same feedback from two other clients.

I heard you. Introducing: The Voice of Experience Storefront

Microphone and recording equipment

You can purchase and download scripts that I’ve found and recorded. You can also send me a script that you’ve found to record for you. I’ve recorded a sample script, so you can hear an example of what you’re purchasing, if we haven’t worked together yet.

I’m always open to news ideas, new material, and feedback. And, I plan to add more recordings as requested or as I come across them. If you have suggestions for me, please send me an email or send it via the contact me section of the website.

Literally Turning A Corner

I’ve started getting up at 5:15 AM about three times a week to walk around my neighborhood. I’m a morning person, but that close to zero dark thirty is not my preferred time to be up and moving. However, I’m providing summer care and activities for my elementary school aged child. So I’m trying to get up to get in a little Zone 2 cardio before seeing 7AM clients before this kid even wakes up.

I imagine that many of you think that I have my act together by handling my stress well, practicing self care, and all of the other things that people work with me to get better at. But, a few weeks ago, I was feeling particularly stressed and had not yet taken the time to determine what was behind the restless nights, irritability, and feeling of pressure to do…something that had been increasingly building over the last few weeks.

So, in an effort to practice what I preach, I started walking in the mornings. Despite the early wake up call, my mind and body have been thanking me! A few weeks ago, when I started my walk, I decided that I wouldn’t walk with the intention of focusing on my breathing, checking my form, making sure I was sitting in Zone 2 on the heart rate monitor, or engaging in stress relief. I wanted to walk with the intention to just let my mind wander and be (even more aware) of my surroundings. Starting out in the dim morning light, I heard the birds chirping against the background of the exquisite silence that comes from a still slumbering neighborhood. It was about 65 degrees with very little humidity and very pleasant light breeze.

As I rounded my first corner from my street to the cross street, I could see the sky starting to come alive with the colors of impending dawn. More birds had started singing - I could hear the owls hooting, some birds singing, and the crows cawing. I was about 3 minutes into my 5 minute warm up and really starting to get into this walk.

All of a sudden, there was sharp, brisk, intense - I’m honestly at a loss for words to describe it - wind gust that came out of nowhere. It was definitely bigger than the light breezes that I’d been enjoying, but not strong enough to feel overpowering. II can tell you that it took me by surprise as it literally smacked me in the face. As I was getting over the shock of power of the gust, I realized that the air was fresh, cool, and light. And, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I. Could. Breathe.

A single dandelion blowing in the wind

I looked around, as if I’d be able to see where the wind had generated from. I couldn’t, of course, but what I did notice was that I had literally just turned the corner from my street onto another street and felt like I had figuratively turned a corner, mentally. I laughed at out loud at this realization and picked up the pace to get into the walk.

Physically, I did the same things that I usually do on my walks. Mentally, I changed my perspective on the purpose of the walk. This small change truly made all the difference. No, I didn’t set a new PR on my lap times (that has happened recently, but that’s a post for another day). But, I was energized and excited to see what the rest of the day would hold for me. I also couldn’t wait to tell someone about this experience and how I felt.

What day was this, what else happened on that day, you ask…I have no idea! HA! And, honestly, those details don’t matter as much as how that experience and symbolism has remained with me as a reminder to experience better.

Time Flies…

This week is the one year anniversary The Experience Coach being a real live business! Throughout this year, I’ve thought about expanding, quitting, and just offering on psychologically based services. I’ve picked up a few contracting gigs, resigned from a few contracting gigs, and turned down a few full time positions. I’ve modified the website, added a new social media platform (I have NO idea what I’m doing on Instagram…that’s a future post, tho), and was convinced to offer a digital product (also a future posting). Talk about Exquisite experiences!

Chocolate cupcake with one star candle

The traditional anniversary gift is paper. The modern anniversary gift is a clock. I’d like to give you both to celebrate this milestone. On the “anniversary discount” tab on the website, you’ll see some details about getting a discount on new coaching packages - which is the paper. Making time to focus on taking good care of yourself; to increase your awareness of your inter- and intrapersonal relationships; and to show up as you intend across multiple areas of your life represents that clock.

Whether you lean more traditional or modern, I’d love to hear about your own exquisite experiences through this blog or the socials.